Then, is the usual statement: what is normal?
I have had a lot of crazy psychological encounters and dealings in the past several years of my life.
I know I was heard last night in my room while watching Kimmel. So many feelings that go with different discoveries. I don't want to be connected to Courtney Cox ever again. My anger is more directed at the matrix man and the system than her personally. It is the connection to her husband that I find disturbing.
I know they heard the talk I had with Bruno. That is when I seriously question myself. Am I really talking to who I think I'm talking to? I see it as being possible. Because I have already talked to several other men in power I am a little less shocked with it all. But it is a little bewildering to believe. Where I grew up, some places I have worked (McDonalds in high school), and the rest of plain ordinary aspects of my life. Its hard to believe sometimes when I walk streets as an ordinary citizen, and talk to such men in power at the same time.
I feel I bear this undefinable responsibility and I don't know how I should puzzle it together in my world.
What is it people want me to do? What is it that people are expecting? What is going to be in my future?
I still can't answer myself in how I am where I am now.
I think the regular spoken story is a dark story in itself, but I see a darker picture in my gut:
http://www.aolnews.com/nation/article/firefighters-let-home-burn-after-finding-owner-didnt-pay-annual-fee/19662595?icid=main%7Chp-laptop%7Cdl1%7Csec1_lnk1%7C175641
Again, because I already have experienced shock, stories like this aren't as shocking, but even after the amount of hate I have against my dad, it breaks my heart to have to see some things. I can't give much of a response.
The darker picture I see though is a systematic karma game. Yesterday's news was "my death and house burning with 'my daughers.'" It wasn't his responsibility. It was Steves, but perhaps because I get neglected and uncared for, they want to leave my father in the cold as I was left in the cold. The next defense is that I do not want to talk to my father or any of my family about any of my problems. Because I make that choice, unless my family is a purposeful threat to my survival, I do not want my family to have to pay any price just because I'm related to them.
The wrath aimed toward my father is harsh criticism at 'his homestyle.' Beyond that is cruel and unusual punishment. I'm ignoring the idea of taking this story in general politics. It is as if I see the mantra of some men's leadership. It is extreme in man supremacy. The men will not choose to kill, yet burn his house down as a karma punishment. Of course because a female is not a worthy opponent, the female revenge will not be to blame. What is to blame instead? Breaking a trivial rule: he didn't pay the bill, who cares if it cost him his home, his survival? Maybe that is part of a more hidden karma: I pay a huge price for trivial things.
The why of this story is not given. I really do not want to get in an entangled argument with my dad either. I feel uncomfortable and disgusted to get too close to some people and he is one of them. But, in the ultimate case, the male supremacy is reaffirmation of their uncompromising system: He did not pay his bill, therefore, when his house burns down, we firefighters are going to let it burn. 75 bucks is 75 bucks. The price of his home or well being is not of question; preserving and strictly keeping to our system is our ultimate choice. He is a man just like us, he will find a way to survive.
~Breathing and wanting to escape from the world~
I have a new favorite song, I like the techno version much better:
I still like Kid Cudi's song that is almost along the same lines.
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